I am learning a hard lesson right now. I think I've worked on it before: God has brought the truth to my attention, and I've acknowledged it, but kept on LIVING as if it didn't exist. I am not, we all are not, what we do. Someone once told me they were striving to be human being, not a human doing. That doesn't ring truer for me than right now. I left my job to intentionally take time to rest. Life is supposed to be slower, more relaxing, more enjoyable. I can honestly admit that I found myself immediately trying to fill my time. Why? I genuinely enjoy and am fulfilled by work at home. I love to cook, clean, read, and pick up little house projects. So, why did I feel the need to run out and spend all my time on something else? After marinating on this for a few days or more, I believe I have two reasons. Reason #1: I fear what society as a whole will "say" about me if don't "contribute" enough to it. That's pretty ludicrous, if you ask me. There are plenty of people who don't grind themselves 40 or more hours a week at a job (outside the home) who are living meaningful, purposeful, effective lives. A great example is a woman who used to mentor me weekly when we lived in Bloomington. She didn't "work," but she had her hands to the plow on so many things. I say that relationships are important, but it's easier to live for tasks. My soul longs for more relationships, deeper and better ones, but I constantly find myself being the Martha and not the Mary. Not familiar with the reference? Let me share it with you:
Now it happened as they went that He entered a certain village; and a certain woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus' feet and heard His word. But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said "Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore, tell her to help me." And Jesus answered and said to her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her."
-Luke 10: 38-42
This text, for me, has always meant more than just one thing. The obvious point is that Martha was putting serving, a seemingly good thing, above sitting at Jesus' feet, the one necessary thing. She wasn't resting at His feet. It is out of that rest, the time spent with Jesus, that her serving should have come. She was striving to fulfill tasks when we, as Jesus followers, are meant to have our lives, our serving, flow out of the time spent with Him. I recently started a Bible study that stated we should work out of our rest instead of resting from our work. I decided that should characterize my time right now. And....FAIL! But that's okay because God is a God of second, third, and seventeenth chances. It's as if someone, somewhere is going to press a button and sound the alarm if my life doesn't reach a certain level of productivity. Absurd, right?!? I know that intellectually, but I need to know it in my heart, feel it in my bones, live out of it daily. My life has meaning, and purpose, and is worth something because God said so. That's it, that's all I need. Whew, I'll get there:) Martha is also putting tasks before relationships. Sound familiar? Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner. I was great at that in college, but I'm still struggling to find what that looks like amidst married life and home ownership in the real world.
Reason #2 (in case you got lost in the ramblings): I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm afraid of the parts of my life that God will hit with a floodlight if I slow down and quiet myself long enough. Again, crazy talk because I already know those areas, & God has already been speaking to me about them. It's as if I can pretend it's a non-issue if I'm just busy enough or tired enough or whatever enough. It's a big ol' fat jar of excuses.
So, in light of this resolution to slow down and be, I'm going to share a few things with you.
If you live in Indy and are free on Wednesday mornings, make your way to City Market for the Farmer's Market that goes on. Of course everything inside is wonderful: I had cold-pressed juice and a delicious tamale, but the real treat is outside. Local farmers line street with their wares and smiles. If you're as food-obsessed as I am, you're welcome. I bought blueberries today that were a steal, and I got a head of cauliflower that was about 3x the size of any I see in the stores for....get this...$4. Ever since I made cauliflower rice last week (for the second time) and Eric actually tried it, he has been asking for it again. He said it tasted like stuffing. Winning:) So, we shall have cauliflower rice for days.
On a related note, I went to the market with a dear friend of mine and her two darling little girls. It forced me to slow down, literally. It was just what I needed. One of the girls is nearly 4 and in the "I want to do everything myself" phase. As we were talking about the patience needed for that "delightful" phase, I realized it (the phase) was necessary. We all have that phase and it's a wonderful milestone in growing up. We raise children to be independent, not lean on us for every little thing and whim. So, we should be happy when they want to do things themselves. In fact, if we aren't willing to SLOW DOWN and allow them to dress themselves or push the stroller holding their little sister, then we are depriving them of invaluable skills needed for life. I may be able to do it faster and better, but what good is that to them? So, if not for me, I have to slow down for my future children.
I think little by little, week by week I will begin to enjoy the slowness again. I used to long for it and now that I have it, I am not appreciating it. Such a human...
Here's to slowing down, not measuring life in productivity, and investing in relationships more than tasks.
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